THE LOCAL CHRONICLES, EPISODE. 1
Hilarious local stories worth sharing
Halloween Hijinks at the Marmotte: Hobo becomes officer Crabtree in ‘The Unintentional Getaway Driver’.
If you were at the last Halloween party at the Marmotte, you’ll know it was a night well worth writing off the next morning for. Once Fleck & Alechea put on a blinding night, Gowan was on the decks, banging out some absolute classic tunes most of us knew an loved from young to older. The Montriond Surf Club turned up in full force, proudly repping the band that is still bigger than JC, according to them. Lots of effort was made but the crown for me went to Chef Mikey dressed as a health and safety conscious American football player from hell, it hadnt always been that way but paperwork had made it so, his outfit was now classified as certified risk free. And then there was Hobo, It took me long enough to work out it was him, dressed only with a mask so terrifying and in your face that it scared me more than any costume. Hobo’s sacre didnt materialise that night.
We’ve all woken up after a heavy one thinking, What on earth did I do last night? Especially when the night ends hours after the pubs and bars shut. This was not one of those mornings for Hobo, despite the messy after party he hosted. No, Hobo’s moment of dread came delayed, very delayed, courtesy of a mysterious letter pushed under his door.
It was written in a language Hobo had only encountered once before on a Ryanair safety card, but one thing was clear: it was from the police. Something about an “incedont” on Friday night. Hobo racked his brain: he remembered nearly falling into a hole and scrambling out, but not anything that sounded arrest-worthy.
Panicked, he drove a minute up the road to one of the unofficial Soeil Blancs post offices; Solieu Blanc inhabitants use to avoid the infamous post thief of Soleil Blanc. Luckily, Post Master/Misstress/Preson? Isa was there and able to translate.
The news wasn’t great.
According to the letter, Hobo was under suspicion for theft, and not just any theft but a whole operation. He was apparently one of the getaway drivers.
“Preposterous!” is what he might have cried if this was VD, but its not. He quietly remembering that things had been rolling around in the back of his van all weekend. A quick check of the boot confirmed it: the shredded remains of a plant were still there, looking traumatised.
At the police station, after proclaiming and anglaying through his defence, Hobo was told he’d be off the hook if he could help identify the real culprits caught on CCTV. He could also pay to replace the misplaced hanging baskest, including the other ones that had been put into a different van. This was unfortunate, given that Hobo’s interest in detective work started and ended with the “skip intro” button on Poirot, Cluzo, and Columbo. To make matters worse he wasn’t able to watch the CCTV and a series of unexpected expenses had left him less flush than usual. However, not all was lost since he remebered he had watched “Allo, allo” when he was younger, officer crabtree beacme his unexpected mentor and role model for the job!
Like any hero of our community, he called for backup. The Hobotree call was answered by a respectetable, french speaking, local business owner, landlord who took Hobotree back to the station and asked to see the alleged CCTV footage, it was vital if Hobotree was to solve the case! The key eveidence was not avaiable, request denied. It wasn’t a pronuciation issue, it likley wasnt left with the interent at the lunch table, possibly it was a GDPR issue, its not like Hobo had singned a contract for this free freelance work as Hobotree and sharing such personally identifable information could have been a crime too! Hobotree needed proof of innocence, some evidence that would help. Nervous, he produced a photo from 2 a.m., taken well after the incident and in the optimism of the drunken late-night. Three friends, locals and drunk smiling with glee. Unfortunately for him, it contained one of the actual culprits…
Poker faced the police didnt revealed what they new at the time, but the case was nearly closed. The real thieves were eventually tracked down to be two young natives. The question of wether Hobotree’s evidnece was actually what led to the idenfication of the suspects is left unanswered but prehaps Hobbo’s Officer Crabtree influenced skills were better than he could have ever wished for. Maybe the photo had prompted the the police to think argh yes thats a likley suspect, they had a back shot, an outline and the had been able to match to a frontal, like a double sided jigsaw, who knows but they closed the case a few days later and Hobo was a free man again. Albeit slightly traunmised by the threats of the establishment to do a job he thought he was paying taxes for.
And so ends Episode 1 of The Local Chronicles. I hope you have enjoyed it. Maybe you’ve got a story your own you would like to share?
Have you got a funny story for the Local Chronicles? Let us know, you can write it or we can write it for you, and the characters can remain anonymous if needs be.